Vatican Humour

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.'

'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning..

'Who's going to tell?' says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kph.. (Remember, the Pope is German..)

'Please slow down, Your Holiness!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

'Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 205 kph.

'So bust him,' says the Chief.

'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed,' All the more reason!'

'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence.

The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: ' A senator?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'The Prime Minister?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'

'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it?'

Cop: 'I think it's God!'

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'

Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!'

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Computer Problems in Heaven

One day God called Jesus and his helpers into a meeting.
God said that he wanted them to create a data base on heaven’s super computer.
He said He wanted them to list everyone who had ever been born and all the good and bad things that each had done since the beginning of time.

They all said they could do that and so they sat at their keyboards for hours, then days and weeks.

Finally they were almost done when there was a power failure in heaven and the computers all went off. Only seconds later the lights came back on and all the computers started to re-boot. There was much crying and gnashing of teeth and pounding of keyboards as this happened. Down at the end of the table sat Jesus with a big smile on His face.

Why was Jesus smiling amongst all this dismay?

Jesus Saves!

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God Loves Blondes

A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's desperate so she decides to ask God for help.

She begins to pray.. "God, please help me. I've lost my
business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose
my house as well. Please let me win the lottery."

Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.

She again prays... "God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.

Once again, she prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car.. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I've always been a good servant to You.

PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself.....

"Sweetheart, work with Me on this...... Buy a ticket."

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An Open Letter to God

Dear God,

I'm sorry you made Sunday when you did. You see, it's like this... we could attend church more regularly if your day came at some other time. You have chosen a day that comes at the end of a hard week, and we are all tired out. Not only that, but it is the day following Saturday night.

Saturday evening, you know, is one time we feel we should enjoy ourselves, so we go to the movies or a party, and often it is after midnight when we reach home. It is almost impossible to get up on Sunday morning. You have chosen the very day we want to sleep late, and it makes it mighty hard to get the children off to Sunday School, and especially when they have to leave home so early.

Then there are dishes to wash, and we always have some things we just have to wash out. I mean no disrespect, dear God, but you must realize that you have picked the day on which we have the biggest dinner. Not only that, but the Church has fixed the hour of worship at the very time we must be preparing dinner.

Then too, you must think of John. He is cooped up in his office all week, and Sunday morning is the only time he has to tinker with the car and mow the lawn. When he gets into his old clothes and his hands are all greasy, you could not expect him to put his work aside and go off to church.

I am telling you these things, dear God, because I want you to get our viewpoint. It is not our fault that we are unable to get to church on Sunday mornings. We would like to go, and we know we should go, and need to go. But, it must be clear to you that the reason we cannot go is because you have chosen the wrong day. If you will select another day, we shall be glad to go to church and Sunday school more faithfully.

Sincerely yours,
I.M. Busy

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Burial Decision

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the Wife passed away. The undertaker told the Husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150."

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

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